i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
