nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
