i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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