he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
