I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
My life is pants optional.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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