i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
