my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
