You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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