just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
