At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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