I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
