Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I need a beard to bite.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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