So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Of course I have a pirate flag
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
