So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
