addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
