I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
