I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
