You smell like stripper and shame
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
