how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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