i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
