**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
