I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
