dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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