i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
