Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
