I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
