I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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