i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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