Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
