Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
