I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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