The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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