we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
