I feel great
I just peed on a car
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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