I hate all girls vehemently.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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