Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
