Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
