i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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