i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
