Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
