You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
