so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Randomize
