She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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