The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
