Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
