Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
