wakey wakey hands off snakey
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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