Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
