I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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