I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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