Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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