drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
