apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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