if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
