so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
