new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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